As with most Indian weddings, your horoscope is matched to that of
your groom's but consideration is also given to the background, status
and moral character of your two families and your close relatives.
Known as kasamdary, traditionally, this takes place in a temple
in front of an idol. Two elders from either the paternal or maternal
side of both families, along with a few close relatives, meet and
exchange bouquets of flowers before eating. Usually served by your
family, it generally consists of hot milk with a crisp naan bread
(takhtieth) or hot Kashmiri kahwa (special tea leaves
seasoned with almonds and cardamon) and either crisp buns (kulchas)
or salted mathis (salted buttermilk).
Your groom's close relatives, especially his maternal relatives, unite
and his eldest aunt (pof) makes a special rice pudding (var),
cooked in ghee and seasoned with almonds, black cumin seeds and sometimes
lambs' intestines. His pof is given money as a thank you for
preparing the var at this auspicious event. The dish is distributed
amongst the relatives, friends and neighbours.
Your family sends fresh and dried fruits, a bag containing 10-15 kg
of misri (sugar candy) and cash (depending on their finances)
to your groom's family. Your family priests the date of your engagement
according to the Kashmiri calendar.
Both families invite their friends and relatives to their own houses
for a meal and the pofs of both sides prepare var, which
is then given to relatives, neighbours and friends as an engagement
gift. A maid from your groom's house is sent to your house with presents
including a ring, a pheran (traditional Kashmiri dress made
of cotton, pashmina or ruffle according to the weather and financial
standing of the family), tarang (traditional headdress), Narivan
(sacred thread in multicoloured cotton) and a bindhi in a silver
container with a silver stick. She also carries a cup of cream, decorated
with dry fruits, in a silver cup and saucer, which she feeds to you
with a silver spoon once you have changed into the clothes she brought
with her. Your family pays her for her role on this auspicious day.
On the same day, your sister-in-law or brother-in-law, along with
one or two children, visit your groom's house and present him with
gifts from your family. These presents include a ring, a narivan,
a pheran with a triangular neckline and tight sleeves, a turban,
sindoor in a silver container with a silver stick and a waistband
louing made from cotton, pashmina or ruffle, according to the weather
and financial status of your family. Your groom is also fed cream
in a silver cup and saucer, decorated with dried fruits, from a silver
spoon.
Kashmiri marriage and folk songs (wachuns) are sung to the
accompaniment of a clay, Kashmiri dholak (drum) at sangeets
held by both families that evening. It is your family's prerogative
to suggest the wedding date and, with consent gained from your groom's
family, your family priest fixes the marriage date.
Both families clean their houses in preparation for the wedding but
authentic Kashmiri cleaning may not be suitable for Western houses
as the traditional houses were mud huts and were cleaned with cow
dung, mud and water. However, the symbolical preparation for a new
life should still be enacted using more viable materials. Both sets
of pofs prepare var which are shared with your neighbours,
relatives and friends and, as a token of love, both sets of parents
give you money.
If you are employing a cook (waza), they arrive on the same
day as the house cleaning with their traditional mud and brick cooking
stove (war) which is usually set up in the backyard of your
house. Meat is strictly forbidden at Kashmiri weddings. Sangeets
are held in both houses every evening until the wedding ceremony for
relatives, friends and neighbours. The traditional salted pink tea
(noon or sheer chai) is served to your guests.
Maanziraat (the mehendi ceremony) is held within seven
days of the wedding on an auspicious day. Both sets of pofs
decorate the doors of both houses in a ceremony known as krool
khanun. That evening's bath is elaborate and full of cleansing
and purifying rituals. Your maternal pof washes your feet and
your eldest pof paints your hands and feet with intricate mehendi
designs before distributing the mehendi to all of your relatives,
neighbours and friends who pay her for her services. The females amongst
those present are invited to dinner, which is served in a tabche
(traditional kiln-baked pot). Some of the food is predetermined by
religion and includes the potato dish, dumaalu; nadrooyakhni
(sliced lotus plants cooked in milk and curd); nadroo hakh
(lotus stems cut in a diagonal shape with Kashmiri saag - a
traditional spinach gravy); vyath chaman (large lumps of cottage
cheese cooked in spices); nich chaman (small pieces of cottage
cheese in yellow turmeric and curd); mujchatni (grated white
radish with green chillies and curd) and chock wangun (spiced
okra). The sangeet lasts into the night with wealthier families
enhancing the entertainment with professional singers and dancers.
This ritual offering to the holy fire (agni) is an important
part of the pre-wedding celebrations and Hindu men, who did not receive
the 'threading' ceremony to distinguish them as Brahmins when they
reached puberty, receive it after devgon in preparation for
marriage.
Your devgon ceremony begins with a ritualistic bath (kanishran)
during which young girls hold a veil over your head while flowers
and a mixture of water, rice, milk and curd is poured over you by
your relatives while your family priest recites mantras. To symbolise
your becoming a woman, your maternal uncle (mama) presents
you with a set of clothes including a salwar (full-sleeved
shirt); pheran (traditional Kashmiri dress but with upturned
sleeves to show the inner white lining, bordered with a cotton strip
and embroidered with a gold thread made of zarbaf). You also wear
a kalpush (long cap folded twice and lined with ruffles, silk
or cotton with the upper part made of zarbaf cloth). You have a shawl
draped over your head, which is pinned below your chin. In addition,
your mama gives you a dejihoru (almond-shaped ornament,
generally made of gold and sometimes with precious or semi-precious
stones, with two holes which is hung from a red cotton or saffron
thread which is threaded through the middle of your earlobe or the
cartilage of the upper ear) which symbolises a Kashmiri marriage in
the same way that other Hindus such as the Gujarati have the mangal
sutra (marriage necklace). All of the utensils which have been
placed in front of the havan (blessed) fire are given to you
once the rituals have finished.
Your groom also has a ritualised bath and be given a new set of clothes
by his uncle. His pheran has a triangular neckline, long sleeves
with the upper lapel tied at the left shoulder with piping and a waistband
louing with the ends embroidered with gold thread and zarbaf.
You, your groom and both sets of parents are expected to fast until
the wedding ceremony is finished.
On the same day, both sets of maternal relatives dine at the relevant
houses where they are served milk and then kahwa (seasoned
tea), followed by a vegetarian lunch similar to that served at the
mehendi celebration. Traditionally, both sets of maternal relatives
give presents to you or your groom's parents and this includes clothes
for either you or your groom from your maternal grandparents. Your
immediate relatives, such as your pofs (aunts), are given
the tarang (traditional headgear).
Your guests meet up at your groom's house where he is wearing his
pheran, the waistband with a sword tucked into it and embroidered,
slip-on shoes. His eldest paternal uncle performs the traditional
tying of the turban, which points upwards at the sides and has a
peacock feather tied to it with gold thread. While the turban is
being tied, a plate of rice, with some money on it, touches his
left shoulder as a symbol of good fortune. Before he leaves for
your house, he is also expected to stand on a rangoli which
is folk art especially painted for the occasion.
Your groom's eldest female relative feeds him misri (sugar
candy) three times as a symbol of sweetness and the conch shell
is blown before he leaves for your house. Two rice pots containing
money, which had been kept in front of the rangoli, are given
to the poor. The baarat leaves for your house with the groom,
if possible, on horseback and the guests following by foot, in horse-drawn
carriages or cars.
Different types and pieces of material in silk and cotton and with
delicate embroidery are elaborately draped around your headgear
as part of the traditional Kashmiri bridal garments whilst your
waist is attached to your headgear (tarang) via a two metre
long belt. Your sari is traditionally be in pale colours such as
pink and made of khadi which is a cotton, woollen and silk
mix.
Conch shells announce the arrival of the baarat and milni
is performed where your family formally meet the groom's. Your mama
carries you to an area, marked by rangoli, where your groom
is waiting for you at which point your eldest female relative offers
you and your groom misri (sugar candy) three times and kiss
your foreheads. Your family priest leads you to the door of the
house for prayers (dwar pooza) before leading you to the
mendap. Your relatives and friends are served kahwa
(seasoned tea) followed by a vegetarian meal with as many as 25
different dishes being prepared.
Prayers are recited in front of the holy fire before you and your
groom is told about your duties towards each other and your close
relatives. The pair of you cross your arms over each other and hold
hands, which are then covered with a cloth (aathwas). Traditionally,
whichever of you pulls out the other's engagement ring first, will
be the dominant party in the marriage.
Mananmal (gold thread) is tied to your foreheads and your
left feet, one on the other, are placed on a kajwat (grinding
stone traditionally used in Kashmiri kitchens).
This ceremony is always performed outside and the first round of
the holy fire is made by stepping on seven one-rupee silver coins,
placed in a circle while the final six rounds are performed to the
chanting of mantras. At the end of these seven 'steps', you feed
each other food and it is at this point that you are considered
married. This ceremony is always performed outside. Some Kashmiris
tie their clothes together as they walk to symbolise their union
but the Kashmiri Pandits walk hand in hand to symbolise their equality.
The next morning, wearing a new sari and jewellery from your parents,
you have breakfast and then, as part of the departing ceremony as
you are leaving your parents' house for your husband's (vidai),
you and your husband stand on the rangoli and your eldest
female relative offers you misri three times and kiss you both on
the forehead. The two rice pots with money that are in front of
the rangoli, are given to the poor. Some Kashmiris release doves
to symbolise that you and your husband are now free and have to
look after yourselves.
Sitting in a horse-drawn carriage or car that has been decorated
with flowers, your relatives and friends say goodbye but, before
getting in, you should throw a fistful of raw rice behind you, towards
your parents' house wishing them lasting prosperity as you leave.
Before you can enter your new house, you are both taken to a temple
where you pray to the gods. Your groom's house now becomes yours.
However, your husband's pof (aunt) does not allow you to
enter your new home until she has been promised cash, a gift (shagoon)
or gold jewellery by your husband. You stand on the rangoli
outside your new house and be offered misri three times before
being kissed on the forehead by your husband's eldest female relative.
A pair of pigeons or doves are set free to symbolise your arrival
and the mananmals on your foreheads are exchanged. The two
rice pots containing money in front of the rangoli are given
to the poor.
In the ongoing ritual, the pof leads the pair of you to
the kitchen where she feeds you both with food (sweet rice or vegetable
and curds) prepared by the waza (traditional cook) who is
paid for this service. And, as a token of love, the pof is
given money and ornaments from your new in-laws. You are expected
to change into the clothes, which your in-laws gave you. Your mother-in-law
presents you with a gold aath and aathhoru (a gold
chain worn in the pierced hole of the middle ear with gold foil
with an almond-shaped ornament hanging below the shoulder) and a
tail raz which is a broad chain with eight to twenty beads whose
ends loop into the aathhoru and is worn over the head.
That evening, you and your husband, and one or two children, return
to your parents' house in a ceremony known as satraat where
you are both presented with clothes by your parents which you are
required to wear before returning home. These are generally pashmina
shawls while cash and salt (aathgath) also form part of the
gift.
You are invited back to your parents' house shortly after the wedding
(phirlath) where you receive more clothes and aathgath.
On either a Saturday or Tuesday following the wedding, your parents
send roth khabar to your new home. This is a large (one metre
long and half a metre wide) bakery cake decorated with nuts and accompanied
by a nabadnote (dry fruits and small white sugar lumps). This
is distributed amongst your groom's relatives, neighbours and friends
and you accompany the person who brought the roth khabar (usually
your brother) back to your parents' house. Your in-laws are expected
to send someone else to fetch you back. On your return, you are given
some salt and cash as a shagoon and are now allowed to visit
your parents' home whenever you wish.
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