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This north Indian state sees one of the liveliest of the Hindu marriage
ceremonies with activities beginning weeks before the actual ceremony
in an almost carnival-like atmosphere. Events begin with roka, the
betrothal ceremony, where you and your groom meet with your closest
family at your (or your parents') house for a ceremony and celebration
meal.
Gifts are exchanged as part of roka and your groom's family
will probably give you a sari and a gold chain whilst your family
present him with money and, possibly, clothes. Both sets of parents
also receive money and the date for your wedding is set.
Sagan is one of the most important of the pre-wedding ceremonies
and usually performed at your groom's house, or, if there are a large
number of guests a banquet hall or hotel. Like roka, gifts
are presented but, this time, to confirm you engagement. Your father
applies tikka (red dye) to your groom's forehead and the rest
of your family bless him. All of your relatives and friends offer
him mithai (sweets) and give him money. In some families, the
priest or your groom's parents tie mauli (a sacred thread)
to your groom's wrist.
Your turn comes with chunni chadan where your groom's relatives
visit your home. Traditionally, your sister-in-law to be or your groom's
sister-in-law (bhabhi), is the first to greet you and present
you with something red such as a chunni (scarf), sari or even
a ribbon, as red represents wealth and fertility. You are dressed
in clothes brought by your groom's family and led to where the ceremony
is to be held, where your future mother-in-law presents you with gifts
and adorn you with jewellery. She also gives you boiled rice and milk
(shagoon) to eat, sometimes actually feed you with it.
You exchange rings and are given money and gifts by all of your groom's
party. The gifts vary but include clothes, shoes, a purse, jewellery,
a vanity case full of cosmetics (such as bindhi, hair oil and
powder) a comb, lal paranda (red thread for plaiting the hair),
mithai (sweets), seasonal fruits and dry fruits. Traditionally,
food is eaten by the bride and her younger brothers, siblings, cousins
and close friends but not by the older members of the party.
There are nightly sangeets with singing, dancing and general
celebrating at both of your houses. More elaborate sangeets include
catered food and professional entertainment such as singers or DJs.
Both of your families exchange food and gifts on the most important
sangeet evenings, which are held either jointly or separately by you
and your groom where you are expected to invite each other's families
and friends.
The Mehendi ceremony where your hands and feet are decorated
with henna, supplied by your groom's family as part of his kwar
dhoti (ceremonial gift to you which also includes a sari). The
traditional decorations used to be painted after the chuda
(bangle) ceremony or on the night before your wedding but can now
happen on any day preceding the wedding as long as you have mehendi
on your hands and feet before the wedding itself. While you are being
decorated by a relative, friend or professional, your friends and
relatives sing, dance and celebrate your coming marriage.
Ivory and red bangles denote purity, wealth and fertility. The chuda
ceremony is performed at your home and your maternal uncle (mama)
plays an important role in adorning your wrists. Bright colours such
as red, orange and magenta are generally worn, as they are believed
to be lucky.
Traditionally, you are not allowed to wear the chuda until
your future parents-in-law have given you the ceremonial gift of kwar
dhoti, which includes a sari, white dhoti (coat) to give
to the priest, dried fruits, sweets, bhindi (red spot for the
forehead), oil and cosmetics.
The ceremony begins with the priest praying and takes place either
in the morning or a time deemed auspicious by the horoscopes. You
are not allowed to see the set of bangles but everyone present is
supposed to touch them to offer you luck. Lightweight ornaments in
beaten silver and gold (kalira) are tied to the bangles with
which your maternal aunt and mama had covered your wrists,
although the kiliras stop you from performing any housework.
When you are leaving, hit one of your friends and cousins with the
kiliras and they will be the next to marry!
You may choose to follow tradition here and wear the same clothes
for a couple of days (or more) to increase the glow on your face.
If this sounds too unhygienic, you could follow a more modern method
of achieving a beauty-enhancing glowing face by sitting in front of
four lamps whose oil is topped up to increase their heat. Your brother
and his wife or sister and her husband fetches some water in a jug
from a local temple or, if not, your neighbour's house. This is added
to your bath on the eve of your wedding and your family reward those
who fetched the water with clothes and money. Some of your friends
and relatives help you to apply vatna or uptan (turmeric
powder and mustard oil) to parts of your body as this is supposed
to purify you for the wedding. You have a bath once this is done and
your old clothes are given to the sweeper - or, in England, the bin
men.
Your groom has his own rites to perform. For some Punjabi castes,
the groom must wear the sacred thread before he is married and this
is performed in the seant ceremony where worship is performed.
Your groom's mama plays an important part in this ceremony
and, afterwards, your groom's sister or sister-in-law (bhabhi)
applies uptan (turmeric paste) to his face and arms.
The females of the house arrive, accompanied by your groom's bhabhi
who has a ghara pot on a cushion on her head that is filled
with water from a nearby temple. Your mother welcomes the newcomers
to the house and is required to offer an auspicious amount of sweets
to the bhabhi. Your groom is ritually bathed and given new
clothes by his mama, his old clothes being given to the sweeper.
Traditionally, your groom wears a light-coloured achkan safari suit
and a young nephew or cousin, known as sarbala, may also wear
the same clothes. The sarbala receives clothes and cash from
your groom's family.
One of the most important pre-wedding rituals is sehrabandi.
Before your groom leaves for your house and after he has bathed and
changed into his new clothes, puja (worship) is performed.
Either your groom's father or an elderly relative ties the sehra
(a silver crown with a lucky number of flower ladies or gold-plated
strings attached) on your groom's pagdi (headdress) after it
has been touched and blessed by those present. The sehra does
not have to be lavish but could be made solely from flowers or from
gold thread and beads whilst the pagdi can be yellow, pink
or white with splashes of saffron. Once the sehra has been
tied, all of your groom's relatives give your groom gifts, usually
money, and bless him.
Various rituals are performed as your groom leaves his house for the
ceremony. His bhabi puts eye shadow (surma) around his
eyes and he thanks her with jewellery and cash. Traditionally, a groom
travels to his wedding by horse and his sisters and cousins who feed
it chane ki daal (bengal gram lentils) are given a cash gift.
His sisters also perform vag goondti where the horse's mane
is braided with gold strings and are given cash and other gifts for
this service. If a car is being used instead of a horse, the gold
strings are tied to the car's bonnet. Whilst these rituals are taking
place with much singing and playing, your groom's mother and elderly
relatives keep small amounts of money to protect your groom from the
evil eye (buri nazar). This money is given to the poor.
Your relatives greet your groom's wedding party (baarat) in
a ritual known as milni where both sets of relatives meet formally.
Normally, this only occurs between a specified odd number of male
relatives. An important part of milni is the presenting of
shagoon (a gift) from your relatives to your husband's. This
is a cash gift of an auspicious amount, with the highest amount given
to your groom's father.
Your father may also give additional gifts such as a shawl or pagdi
to your groom's father, grandfathers and brothers at this time. Throughout
milni, your groom remains on the mare (or in his car) and,
only once the ritual is over, is he allowed down, helped by your brother.
Amidst much joking and comments from both sets of friends and relatives,
you garland your groom who reciprocates in a ceremony known as varmal
or jayamala. You also have the chance to relax and make informal
introductions amongst your two families and sets of friends while
they are eating although, traditionally, you, your groom and your
parents are supposed to fast until the wedding ceremony finishes.
Your horoscopes determine the actual time of the ceremony, generally
after dinner. As the mahurat (auspicious hour) approaches,
your groom is be led to the altar (vedi) where the priest performs
puja (worship).
The first few mantras are recited solely for your groom and it is
traditional at this point for your sisters, or other friends or relatives,
to steal your groom's shoes and sell them back to him later. It is
not the same in all communities, but, before being led to the vedi
to join your parents and groom, you may be required to change into
clothes, which is presented to you by either your maternal grandfather
or mama.
Your father gives you to your groom by kanya Danam (handing
over ceremony), where, in a Punjabi variation on the typical ceremony,
he places a ring on your groom's finger before placing your hand in
his.
Your groom's sister ties your veil to your groom's pagdi (headdress)
using the pink or red scarf used in the earlier ceremony. One end
of the scarf is laden with foodstuffs such as dry dates (chuara),
sugar candy (misri) and almonds (badam), along with
a silver coin. This refers to the time when the sarbala would
have stood beside the holy fire with a bundle (gathri) of food,
which would have been left at the bride's house and distributed amongst
her friends and relatives. In his other hand, he would have held a
small pot (ghara) filled with water as a gift. If this custom
is retained, the ghara should be put next to the altar after
the prayers.
Traditionally, you will be 'tested' on your culinary skills on your
first day in your new home when you are expected to cook something,
preferably sweet like halwar and, in this way, establish yourself
as the mistress of your kitchen. Nowadays, whatever you cook is more
akin to a symbolic gift (shagoon) and another opportunity for
you to receive clothes and jewellery from your new family. You also
return to your old home to visit your parents on your first day as
a wife. If your brother had accompanied you to your new house after
the wedding, he returns to your parents' house with you or, if he
has already returned, he fetches you for this next step in your life.
Your parents hold a lunch in your honour and your parents-in-law and
other close relatives may also be invited.
Your parents give both you and your husband clothes and jewellery
and you may also receive gifts for your new family, including a sari
from your mother-in-law, clothes for your father-in-law, brother or
sister-in-law, appliances for the house and sweet boxes for everyone
there.
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