WeddingGuide UK.com - Gone, But Not Forgotten

Gone, But Not Forgotten

When you are told by everyone that you wedding day will be the happiest day of your life but you are sad because your mum or dad or sibling has passed away and cannot be there on your day, it is tempting to run away and elope to escape the situation. How do you cope with the death of a close family member and include them in your wedding without being morbid or upsetting other members of your congregation and yourselves? You can still show that your loved ones are in your thoughts without including any sombre or sad moments.

Different people cope differently with grief, so start by working out what form of tribute you want to make and will feel comfortable with on your big day. Will you burst into tears at any mention of your mum or dad, for example, or do you want to celebrate their meaning to you with some fun? If you fit into the former category, then look to include a written tribute on your Order of Service or at the reception instead of spoken words. If you would feel uncomfortable having someone else making the 'father of the bride' speech, then ask someone to read one of the suggested poems below from your father to you or propose a toast on his behalf. If they were a person who would hate a sad tribute then think about the endearing parts of their character you can celebrate on the day.

Here are a few suggestions for fitting tributes both for your ceremony and reception. Some are more emotional and some are more frivolous so pick the ones to suit you and your day. You might prefer to have someone read one of the poems, readings or sets of song lyrics or else you could reproduce them on the back of your Order of Service for guests to read and digest privately. Just remember that the person you want to honour in this way would want you to have the most joyous celebration of your marriage and of your life together, not for them to become the sole focus of your wedding day.

The Ceremony
Start by wearing something representing your loved one to keep them close to you all through the celebrations. A locket with their picture in, a treasured piece of jewellery, a watch or tie-pin from a male relative are all things that act as talismans on your big day.

Stitch a piece of their wedding dress or lace from their favourite table cloth or other piece of fabric into your gown’s hem.

Choose their favourite hymn or poem and add a line to your Order of Service explaining your choice. Something like:

First hymn: Morning Has Broken
Please join us in singing the favourite hymn of Sarah, the bride’s late mother.
OR
First reading:
The groom will now read his late father’s favourite piece of writing.

Choose their favourite flower as your buttonholes or the centrepiece of the bride’s bouquet. Add a note with your invitations or information pack that says something like:

To keep Sarah/David close to our hearts, we ask our guests to bring/wear yellow gerberas/sunflowers/white roses that were so adored by her/him.
OR
Write something similar to sit in the tray of buttonholes outside your ceremony so that guests can read it as they collect their flowers:

To keep Sarah/David close to our hearts, we ask our guests to wear one of these yellow gerberas/sunflowers/white roses that were so adored by her/him.

Light a candle during the ceremony and dedicate it to them. Or ask each member of the family to stand in front of the altar, light a separate candle from the church’s eternity candle and hold it whilst the minister offers a short blessing or prayer. Ask your minister or celebrant for advice.

One Forumite, Amanda McLean, included recently deceased grandparents in two ways. Firstly, the vicar mentioned them very briefly in the ceremony prayers in front of the entire congregation. Once they signed the register in the side chapel, they lit a candle and said a very quick prayer, which was private to the two of them and the vicar. The candle had a small note by it saying "For our grandparents, forever in our hearts, with love Robert & Amanda".

Include a reading from you to the deceased from the list below.

Take a collection for their favoured charity. You could even pass round small envelopes with their names on explaining why you want a collection for this particular charity.

See the suggestions below for words to add to the back of your order of service. Or say:

“The bride and groom would like to take this opportunity to include Sarah/David in their wedding day. Please take a moment to think about how he/she would celebrate with us today.”
OR
“We wish that Sarah/David could have been with us today to help celebrate our happy day, but we want to thank all of our guests for their support at this time and ask you to enjoy your time as they would have wanted us to.”

The Reception
Stick a photograph of the deceased into a little comments book and ask friends and family to write their funniest/most-heart-warming/happiest memories of them. Ask the best man to read out a couple of the best stories in his speech.

Leave a decorated box by the exit from the reception. Ask guests to leave their buttonholes there to take to the cemetery or grave at a later date. Or ask someone to dry your bouquet whilst you are on honeymoon and take a couple of the flowers to the grave yourselves. Brides in Denmark traditionally leave their bouquets on the graves of deceased relatives, so it is not unusual to see wedding guests in their finery at a cematary.

Display wedding pictures of both sets of parents and/or grandparents or baby pictures of yourselves with them either next to your cake and guest book or actually on your invitation or Order of Service.

If they were renowned for wearing a particular hat or carrying a particular bag then add those to your head table.

Ask someone to propose a toast on their behalf.

Don’t be afraid to mention their name during the speeches or to include what you think they would have said had they been with you. See our list below for ideas.

Include their favourite food or recipe on your menu alongside a note explaining your choice eg. “No visitor to the Smith household escaped for long without tasting Sarah’s indulgent chocolate brownies so we wanted to continue that tradition and ruin the diet of many of our wedding guests.”Offer their favourite aperitif or name a cocktail after them as an alternative reception drink.

Talking of drink, if your loved one was a renowned party animal who would have hated a sombre mention at your wedding, then find a photograph of them in party-animal mode and prop it on the bar with a little rhyme along the lines of:

Please don’t cry
Just have a beer
The reason why?
‘Cos Dave woz ‘ere

Print personalised labels for the wine bottles on your reception tables that either includes their picture or some text about them.

Pick the same first dance as your parents or grandparents and ask the toastmaster, bandleader or DJ to explain your choice.

Suggested poems, readings and song lyrics for remembering the deceased

Led Zeppelin, Stairway to Heaven
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

Bette Midler, The Rose
It's the heart afraid of dying, that never learns to dance;
It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance;
It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give;
And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live.

Garth Brooks, Your Song
It was your song that made me sing
It was your song that gave me wings
It was your light that shined
Guiding my heart to find
This place where I belong
It was your song
Dreams can come true
With God's great angels like you.

Words suitable to read on behalf of the deceased or by their living partner to the couple:

Major Sullivan Ballou, to his wife Sarah, a week before his death in 1861, during the Civil War
I shall always be near you; In the gladdest days and in the darkest nights...always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again.

Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918), Canon of St Paul's Cathedral
Death is nothing at all...I have only slipped away into the next room...I am I and you are you...whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone: wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effect, without a ghost of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner...All is well.

Henry James
To believe in a child is to believe in the future. Through their aspirations they will save the world. With their combined knowledge the turbulent seas of hate and injustice will be calmed. They will champion the causes of life's underdogs, forging a society without class discrimination. They will supply humanity with music and beauty as it has never known. They will endure. Towards these ends I pledge my life's work. I will supply the children with tools and knowledge to overcome the obstacles. I will pass on the wisdom of my years and temper it with patience. I shall impact in each child the desire to fulfil his or her dream. I shall teach.Sting, Every Breath You Take
Every breath you take and every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watchin' you.
Every single day and every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I'll be watchin' you.

Red Rose, Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain, sung by Willie Nelson
Someday when we meet up yonder
We'll stroll hand and hand again
In a land that knows no parting
Blue eyes crying in the rain.

Suggested Toasts

Robert Burns, Auld Lang Syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
For the sake of auld lang syne?

Becky Bocchetti - WeddingGuideUK.com, To My Mum
Standing here with so much pleasure,
I add today to memories I treasure.
The only thing that’s missing is mum,
But she ordered me to just have fun.
I promised her not to shed a tear,
And that’s alright as I know she is here.
So raise your glasses now with me,
And toast my mum, who I love totally.

Becky Bocchetti - WeddingGuideUK.com, To My Dad
Standing here with so much pleasure,
I add today to memories I treasure.
The only thing that’s missing is dad,
But he ordered me not to be sad.
I promised him I'd not shed a tear,
And that’s alright as I know he's here.
So raise your glasses now with me,
And toast my dad, who I love totally.

Becky Bocchetti - WeddingGuideUK.com, To My Parents
Here I stand, a brand new wife,
A happy woman with a wonderful life,
But I do just want to mention here
My mum and dad, whom we hold dear.
They may not be sitting here with me,
But I have no doubt that they can see,
Just how joyous a day this is
And an occasion they’d be sad to miss.
So join with me in one last toast,
To my parents, whom I still miss the most.

Becky Bocchetti - WeddingGuideUK.com, To My Parents
When my husband said to me,
That he wanted to marry me,
I knew that I was safe at last
From the demons of the past.
My mum and dad both loved me so
But sadly I had to watch them go.
So now that I’m a brand new wife
They’d want us to celebrate my new life.
Please raise your glasses now with me
To mum and dad, and my new family.

Becky Bocchetti - WeddingGuideUK.com, To My Parents
Wedding days are funny things,
They make you cry and they make you sing,
I am happier now than ever before
But I want to say a little more.
My mum and dad may not here
But, like angels, they see and hear.
So even if we can’t be together
They, too, will remember this day forever.
So raise you glasses, and don’t be sad,
This toast is for my mum and dad.

Suggested Words for your Order of Service or Speeches

Antoine de Saint Éxupéry
He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man.

The Beatles, In My Life
There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed.
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall.
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I've loved them all.

Richard Bach
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.

Suggested Words to Thank Those who Have Helped You Through a Bereavement

Henri Nouwen, Out of Solitude
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

I hope these ideas are of some help to you. Please e-mail me at Sarah@WeddingGuideUK.com and let me know if you have any other suggestions. I would love to have your feedback.

Advertising Information | Privacy Policy | Testimonials | About Us
Add WeddingGuideUK.com to your favourites