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| Creating
a Successful Stepfamily |
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Congratulations
– you have decided to get married again. The first people
to tell are your respective children, but does this inspire you
with terror or delight?
Becoming
a stepfamily can be a wonderful prospect, uniting two families
into one big happy family and living happily ever after.
But, for many, the reality belies the dream and potential
problems are often unseen and unrecognised by both parents
and their children.
Although you may be thrilled and excited at the prospect
of your wedding, your children will give varied responses
from “cool, can I be your best man?” to “I
think we are busy that day and won’t be able to come”.
It is important to announce your news when you have time
to sit and listen to their opinions and remain calm if you
do not get the initial reaction you want.
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Some children will be happy for you both but worried that
by coming to your wedding they are being disloyal to their
other parent. In one case, a mum had a good relationship with her eighteen-year
old stepson but spotted his hesitation. She quietly reassured
him that they would both always love him and respected his
opinion but that he would be missed if he decided not to
come to the wedding. Thanks to this lack of pressure he
made up his own mind to join in the celebrations.
If you are lucky enough to have a good relationship with
the child’s other natural parent then it is always
worth enlisting their help. If a child can see that their
mother or father is happy with the situation it can ease
their own concerns and work quickly to a united family.
Sadly this approach has not worked for my own future stepdaughter
who is adamant that she will not attend our wedding as it
does not ‘feel right’ despite the fact that we
have a really good relationship with her and her mother.
For more information about the legal requirements for second
marriages, read our article on second marriages.
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It is predicted that by 2010 there will be more step-families in the UK than birth families.
For couples about to get married and take on the role of
stepparents you must remember that loving each other does
not necessarily mean that your stepchildren will automatically
love you or their future stepsiblings. Stepfamilies are
difficult enough when only one partner brings children to
the relationship but when you both have children the situation
can go from being very tough to almost impossible. When
you make the decision to unite children from two families
don’t expect to acquire the ‘Brady Bunch’.
What you might get instead are instant problems and even
war!
But it is not all doom and gloom. Many extended families
go onto to enjoy a great life together once the initial
settling-in period is over. One newly-wed talks of enjoying
birthdays and Christmas more than ever now that she has
two more siblings. “My parents were so concerned about
us kids being forced together that they kept insisting we
visited them at different times. It was only after we all
sneaked off to have a surprise portrait picture taken of
the five of us as a wedding present that they believed we
were happy together!”
Other stepchildren agree that a wedding and marriage can
actually make their situation easier for everyone. Each
side relaxes about their parent’s relationship and
can allow themselves to get attached to the new partner
because they are here to stay.
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Before you think about getting married it is essential to
address the stepfamily issues. Problems can begin with the
initial introduction between children and a new partner.
In some instances, the first a child knows about a new partner
is when he/she moves in or even after the decision to marry
has already been made. All too often a new partner is introduced
to the children too forcefully, however good your intentions
are. Here are some suggestions on how to deal with this
tricky issue:
Do not introduce a new partner to your children until you
are fairly sure that the relationship has a secure future.
- Introductions
should be made in a neutral location like a park or
café and kept short.
- Do
not introduce the person as your new boyfriend/girlfriend.
This immediately makes them someone special to you and
a possible threat to them.
- Allow
the children to set the pace of their relationship with
this new person.
- Take
everything very slowly to allow everyone, including
yourselves, time to adjust to the new relationship.
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If
you still have any unanswered questions about creating a successful
stepfamily, please post your question on our Wedding
Forum.
For
advice on planning a second wedding, visit our sister site Take2Weddings.com
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