But where do I fit in?
The remarriage of a parent can mean huge changes in a child’s life. Not only are they acquiring a new mother or father figure, but also their position in the hierarchy of the family can change. They may find that they are no longer the oldest or the youngest, positions which hold a significant importance for a child.

Many children can adapt to the change with little difficulty and are thrilled to become part of an extended family but this adaptability often depends on their ages. Those under five or six-years' old have personalities and perceptions that are still being formed and are more open to change. One mother told how her daughter turned to her saying: “Simon makes you happy, doesn’t he mummy? Daddy didn’t make you happy”. The mother was amazed that a child aged only three could pick up on something she felt she had successfully kept from her.

However, when children are over nine or ten, their personalities and relationship within a family are well formed and they can find it more difficult to establish themselves in the hierarchy of a new and extended family.

Older children, too, may feel resentment at a new partner seeming to take the place of their mother or father. One bride tells of her experience following the death of her mother. A year after her mother’s death her dad formed a new relationship. Although she was pleased for her dad and did not resent his new partner, she found it very difficult to witness them being openly affectionate. Her dad did not tell the family about his new relationship at first, although they had an inkling that something was going on. She believes she would have felt much happier had he been able to confide in the family.

There are no magic answers. Building new relationships will take patience and even some luck but most of all, it is important to be open and honest with everyone. Make talking a priority, and involve your children in any major decisions. Most importantly, kids will be ultra-sensitive to your relationship with your new partner. If they perceive it to be weak then your extended family has little chance of success. If it is rock-solid then it is easier for everyone to settle into his or her new roles feeling secure.

Top tips to triumph
Here is some advice for couples about to create an extended family to help you through the stepfamily maze:

• Don’t try to be perfect, just be yourself.
• Don’t rush things. Take time to allow your relationship with your stepchildren to develop before the wedding.
• Take time to be with your partner without the children but also to be with your children without your partner.
• Talk to the children about their interests and everyday lives and let them get to know you too.
• Do activities that you all enjoy as a family without forcing a false togetherness.
• Allow the children to participate in your everyday life by helping with the cooking or washing the car and praise them, no matter how badly the job is done.
• It is very important to reassure the children that you are not trying to replace their mum or dad. Instead you are an additional adult in their lives they can trust and turn to if they want.
• Allow children the space to talk about their natural mum or dad and, as hard as it may be for you, to refer to happy times they had when their parents were together. The simple fact that they can do this naturally will help to build their trust in you.
• When the occasions arise that they need a mother’s TLC or a bit of fatherly advice, be natural with your responses, but let them determine the boundaries. If you come over too strong you are likely to scare them off.
• Do not just pander to every whim. However loving a child is, he or she will test the boundaries at some point. If they can get away with misbehaving or stirring up unnecessary trouble then they will. Be firm but fair.
• Agree with your partner about how you will discipline your children and how much freedom they are allowed. Make sure that it is the natural parent who is seen as the disciplinarian to get way from that wicked stepparent scenario.