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| Speeches
- Best Man |
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"I'd like to thank John for his kind words about the bridesmaids
and wondered if anyone could tell me if it's true that the Chief Bridesmaid
has to kiss the Best Man as part of tradition - I'd hate to break
with tradition!
I've known some of you for years but I know that John appreciates
all of you being here - both old friends and new. We've been friends
since our first day of secondary school and we're friends for a reason
- because he's a good man and Sarah's very lucky to have caught him!
When John told me that he was marrying Sarah, I thought, 'that's great,
party time'. When he asked me to be his best man, I thought, 'oh no,
emigrate!' But I didn't. Why? Because I couldn't let him down. This
is the man who taught me how to play poker when we were 11 and then
fleeced me.
I tried to convince him to bet Sarah in a game last night but he refused.
He even cried when he said, after several whiskies, I might add, how
much he loved her. Sarah, I'll spare your blushes, but I'm delighted
to know that the two of you are so . . . compatible [ie. suggest something
jokingly without being crude].
I remember when John was being taught biology and got a little confused
about the birds and the bees. He asked why any bird would want to
date a bee and, on a similar note, I bet that some of you are wondering
what on earth someone as beautiful as Sarah would see in my old mate?
John is here as the groom but in my opinion, he's the best man, not
me. He's a kind, generous friend who cannot do enough for those he
cares about from visiting his grandfather in the nursing home every
fortnight to helping his mum with her lawn and bailing me out of one
or two scrapes, John has always been there and I'd like to thank him
for everything he's ever done for all of us.
John, you're a good man and you deserve the best. With Sarah, you've
got it and I wish you every happiness.
Before we get to the toast and, believe me, I need a drink - it's
terrifying up here - I'd like to read out a few telegrams from those
who missed this bash, which is the best wedding I've ever seen from
these fantastic guests to the wonderful drinks. And some of you look
lov-e-ly after such good Champagne!
There were some great telegrams there from people who really care
about you and I know that we all wish you two the greatest happiness.
Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and raise your glasses,
I give you . . . the bride and groom."
Here are some useful phrases and ideas for a best man speech. All
you need to do is pick the best ones for you and fill in the blanks!
For more ideas, check out our Other Nickable Lines
section.
You represent the other members of the bridal party (ie. the bridesmaids
and ushers) so the first thing you have to say is easy - just thank
the groom for his words about the bridesmaids:
- "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to thank the groom
for his
- kind/generous/short/patronising/lying words about the
- lovely/beautiful/giggling/drunken/fabulous bridesmaids."
Let everyone know how you know the groom - when and where you first
met and how you feel about being his Best Man.
- "When I first met John on our first day of school/Uni/prison/work,
- I thought that he was a good bloke/con man/idiot/alcoholic/lucky
man to meet me/great person
- but I never realised that I would end up, all these years later
being his Best Man.
- I have to say that I was honoured/staggered/horrified/shocked/drunk
when he asked
- but am delighted/honoured/pleased/drunk again/terrified
to be here today in front of all of you."
- "John has always been a good bloke/idiot/generous man,
- even from our [say when met e.g. first day of school]
when [recount funny incident or use a phrase he's always saying
- don't cause offence but be funny e.g. stole his second portion
of cake when no one else was looking - or so he thought. That's
how he came by the nickname Sponge [he may not have one but he
will now - think of it carefully as it may stick and should be
relevant. If you can't think, base it on his surname e.g. Smith
generally becomes Smithy or Horsy].
- I can't believe that he's finally/actually married.
- When he asked me to be his Best Man I thought that he had
no other friends/mum had made him ask/was honoured/terrified
and, now that I'm here, I'm even more so.
- The man who wouldn't commit/buy pizza for more than one/share
his remote control/even consider a joint bank account is now
married!
- I never thought that I'd live to see this day but, having known
him since [say how you met and when],
- I'm delighted/stunned/pleased/shocked/really happy for
him
- and even more shocked/horrified/staggered/terrified/committed
to be/ing his Best Man - as he is the best man I've ever
known."
You're his Best Man for a reason so delve into your mutual past and
tell an amusing anecdote. Hopefully, the only difficulty here is trying
to decide which tale to tell. If not, these might trigger a few memories
- just remember to keep it short and clean!
- Thinking up an original excuse for being late/not handing in
homework/project.
- First time you had a boy's night out and he decided that he
wanted to be a Morris Dancer.
- Any dreams of unsuitable jobs e.g. pilot, stripper [unless he
was!], train/racing driver [and recently had a minor scrape in
his car], pop star [and can't sing] etc.
- Cooking anecdotes always work. The late Dame Barbara Cartland
once said that 90% of marriages end because of bad cooking - if
he didn't blow up a microwave by putting a whole egg in it then
he must have had a cooking disaster - we all have. As George Meredith
(1823-1909) said, 'Kissing don't last: cookery do!'
Always make a point of saying something nice about the bride. This
is the woman who will let your friend/brother go out to play so start
off on the right foot. You know you want to!
- "Sarah/Mrs Finn is the luckiest woman/girl
- for marrying John today but, looking at her, I can understand
why he chose her, she's a beautiful/stunning/gorgeous/lovely/radiant
bride.
- Sarah, what can I say? You look beautiful/lovely/stunning/radiant
- and you deserve each other/make a beautiful couple/are perfect
for each other.
- When John first introduced me to Sarah, my first reaction was
that she was too good/perfect/ideal for him and I'm delighted
to see them here today and wish them every happiness for the future."
A simple rule, explain who they're from. Bill and Joy Patterson may
mean nothing but Uncle Bill and Aunt Joy from Scotland makes it easier
for everyone.
You can almost sit down but not yet, this is the easy bit and your
audience will be delighted to participate. Decide with the bride and
groom beforehand if people should stand up or not and, if they should,
ask them to 'be upstanding'.
- "Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding and raise/charge
your glasses, I give you . . . the bride and groom."
- "Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in a toast, I give
you . . . the bride and groom."
Or you could run the speech like news report to tie in any anecdotes
from his life. For example:
- Headlines
"We don't like to mention the headlines because John is very
sensitive about having his bald spot pointed out."
- Education news
Perfect opportunity to drop in a school or college story.
- Now for the sports news
"John is a huge fan of Arsenal football team. Despite being
slightly overweight for a professional, not having played for
10 years and more familiar with table football than Wembley Stadium,
John still dreams of being called up to play with Tony Adams."
- Travel hotspots
A quick tale from a lads holiday/tease him about his driving technique/an
anecdote about the groom resembling British Rail and always running
late.
- News just in
Read the telegrams and cards from absent friends.
Still looking for inspiration? Here is a collection of lines from
various Best Man speeches that are perfectly pinchable…
- "First, an apology - due to a problem with the sound system,
the speaker's voices may sound a little jittery. This is an electrical
problem and has absolutely nothing to with nerves."
- "Asking someone to be your Best Man is one of the greatest
honours you can bestow, but is also a terrible thing to do to
a friend. Thanks guys."
- "On behalf of the bridesmaids (who incidentally are still
waiting for an official invite), and the ushers, I would like
to thank John for his kind words and wish him and Sarah many years
of happiness together. Do I get paid yet?"
- "Let me take a second to introduce myself… I am an
old friend/brother/college mate of John's who only behaves
well when holding a pint. As I will be found in not the too distant
future, somewhere near the bar, please, do not hesitate to come
and introduce yourself."
- "Thank you to the Rabbi for a wonderful service. You may
be amused to know that at the rehearsal he told our esteemed groom
that when he stamps on the glass, it would be the last time he
puts his foot down with Sarah. As far as I am aware, it was also
the first time!"
- "I can now exclusively reveal that John slept like a baby
last night... He woke up crying every half hour, wanting his Mummy."
- "It is with great pride that I stand before you, charged
with embarrassing John. John… I have waited 32 years for
this moment and I am going to savour every second of it!"
- Turn to the bride and groom and say: "Final offer - £20
to skip this bit!"
- "Ladies and Gentlemen, let me begin by putting John out
of his misery. John, I want you to know that I thought about taking
a tour of your pre-wedding closet and bringing out a few skeletons.
But it's not going to happen. That's not what this is all about.
I won't mention the special name his primary school girlfriend
had for him. I won't mention what he did when he was eleven that
scandalised the neighbours. And whatever he's done with sheep,
rubber chickens and a plastic doll called Annie are in the past…well
that's his own business."
- "Ladies and gentlemen, I want to thank the bride and groom
for many things. The bride truly is beautiful, this wedding is
magnificent but it is also very important to me to admit in public
that everything important in life that I have learned in the last
10 years, I've learned from you. So touched am I by the impression
you have made on me that I think those lessons are too good to
keep to ourselves, so today I thought I'd share them with everyone
here. Firstly: Thanks to John I know that life is so much more
enjoyable if you're prepared to admit when you're wrong/be a charmer/understand
women/work hard/study hard. I know this, because I saw what happened
to John when he tried to get around that rule…"
- "Oh, and I also have a letter for John from Italy:
Mio amore Gianni,
I am so pleased to have found an address for you. As you will
remember, we first met during a school exchange holiday in Italy.
Since then I have always held you close to my heart. Since you
visited last month, (did anyone believe you were working in Birmingham?),
I have moved to Rome. The baby is well, but I am struggling to
look after him on my own. Could you spare some lire or, even better,
come and see us again?
Here is an example of the worst speech imaginable - what to say if
you never want to speak to the groom again!
"I'd like to thank the bride's parents for providing the tackiest
wedding I've ever seen. Did you see that car Sarah came in? I would
have been too embarrassed to be seen in it! If you have that much/little
money, why not spend it on something better - like a best man's present
or even a mortgage, for ***'s sake!
I want to know just what Johnny thanked the bridesmaids for, seeing
as he's been seeing her for weeks and the other one, the really short
one, used to sleep with him when Sarah was at night school. At least
the man has stamina - hope Sarah doesn't scream the hotel down tonight!
Sarah is the nicest of Johnny's girlfriends but that's not saying
much, is it, poor old moo! As for Johnny, we've been friends since
I caught him stealing my dope at school. He was hanging around the
boys' showers in those days so I'm surprised to see him here today
in his badly cut monkey suit.
I'm also surprised to be his best man as we had a huge argument recently
about his drinking. I wouldn't have minded, except it was my booze
he was tossing down his throat. But then, it's not as though he's
got many friends, is it?
There are some telegrams from absent friends - the ones who couldn't
face coming, I suppose. Uncle Howard in Glasgow says [bad fake accent]
'good luck on your wedding day and I look forward to hearing the patter
of little feet.' Not much chance of that when he's got a b****y low
sperm count, is there?
So, we'd better get on with this so we can get to the serious drinking,
Johnny and Sarah."
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